Kenseikan Thoughts
by TsukiNoKagura
Summary: What really goes on in our favourite sixth division captain’s mind? Two shots on Byakuya’s... not very nice thoughts of all other shinigami in Bleach. Birthday crack fic for candy-puhleez. OOC Minor coarse language.
1. Shinigami

**Kenseikan Thoughts by TsukiNoKagura**

_Disclaimer: Bleach isn't mine! It belongs to Tite Kubo!_

**Warnings**: Major OOCness for Byakuya-sama. It's also my first Crack fic and fic about Byakuya so take it easy. It also contains hardcore dirt about almost every character. This seriously isn't my style though.

_Summary: What really goes on in our favourite sixth division captain's mind? _

_One-shot on Byakuya's thoughts of all other shinigami in Bleach. _

_Crack birthday fic for candy-puhleez. OOC alert!_

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**Byakuya POV**

I hate this serious demure.

No, seriously, I really wanted to say many, many things, but this stupid captain shell just stops me.

Everyone in this whole Soul Society annoys me to hell, how I wish I could tell them what I really think.

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Hisana: Rest in peace, but seriously, what's with you and Rukia? YOU ABANDONED HER REMEMBER? And do you love her more than me? God your last wish was about HER. I can't believe I've ever loved someone so freaking selfish.

Rukia: I am so nice that I adopted you, now you repay me by hooking up with that Kurosaki punk? Then you blame it on me? Sheesh I should have just left you at that orphanage… And now you're trying to hurt my feelings by looking exactly like your own sister, are you two trying to be twins or something? Wait… that wouldn't make sense because she couldn't abandon you if you're born at the same time…

Ichigo: Stupid, immature brat. First you nearly made Rukia die, then you grab onto my perfect ankles when it's obvious that I defeated you, what are you trying to do? Look up my hakama? What the fuck?

Orihime: Matsumoto-wannabe, a stuck-up who only thinks of Kurosaki. If Rukia loves him so much then you shouldn't ruin their relationship. Go stick up to that geek.

Uryuu: HE LIKES KNITTING AND SEWING! Is that even a hobby for men? I'm surprised he didn't look like Yumichika or Charlotte.

Chad: He talks to birdies and stuff. It's plain scary…

Renji: Punk who think he's so good. You're trying to surpass me eh? I'll freaking slice you if you ever try, because I'm cool like that. I probably have more fangirls than you! Senbonzakura kicks more ass than Zabimaru!

Yamamoto: Old man, who's a real bitch in real life. He secretly owns a stash of porn magazines under his 'forbidden box of secrets'. Don't think I didn't know!

Sasakibe: Sigh… I don't know why, but his appearance seriously annoys me!

Yoruichi: Stupid, perverted were-cat. Your breasts aren't even good enough to squish people's heads with. So try again when you're as big as Matsumoto. But I can't imagine that because that will be gross~ And oh yeah stop messing my beautiful, shiny, straight hair, you know how many stylists I need for that?

Soi-Fon: The opposite of Yumichika. Get a gender change woman! We all know you're gay with the were-cat! Wait… is that even lesbian? She's technically an animal… what's that called again? Animian?

Omaeda: Fat-ass. He can eat five packets of crackers per minute; I'm surprised he didn't go for the Guinness World Records. He'll probably eat up the whole world one day.

Kira: You must be gay, YOU MUST BE! And you're an emo-wannabe. Gin is a freaktard already, you wanna go gay with HIM? Even Yumichika had his own limits.

Unohana: I swear you are evil. You look too dodgy… You must be a hollow in reality, that's why you act so kind. And your hair is way retarded; doesn't it tickle your neck or something?

Komamura: Loyal Dog/Wolf thingy. Bet he'll be shocked to hear about Yamamoto's porn!

Iba: Mummy's little boy, wears some old-school shades thinking he's Elvis or something.

Shunsui: Secret porn dealer. Yamamoto got his stash from him. He even makes his lieutenant carry a huge book of pornography so he gets easy access.

Nanao: Major copycat. She wants to be like Lisa but EPIC FAIL TO YOU!

Hisagi: Tattooing some sex position onto your face is a big no-no. It isn't very attractive… And at least Kensei had a good excuse for doing that. You don't.

Matsumoto: Put on a coat woman! No-one wants to see your… things…

And while we're at it stop corrupting your captain's mind. We captains needs to be respected and treated like we're the boss!

Hitsugaya: Midget, shorty, smart-ass, anorexic little kid. He thinks he's so cool. Need I repeat my self? CHILDREN SHOULD NOT BECOME CAPTAINS! He's not good at all, Hyorinmaru does everything for him.

Kenpachi: You're not as good as you think you are. No one wants to fight you because no one wants to see your ass kicked. Sheesh, go and dig yourself a hole or something! Not to mention appointed a kid as your lieutenant!

Yachiru: I know you're very strong for a little girl and stuff, but STOP FRIKIN INFILTRATING MY HOUSE! What are you trying to steal? And that Bya-kun calling is so annoying!

Ikkaku: Baldy who think he's so cool for hiding his bankai. I know your dirty little secret! Who cares? It's not so strong anyway, my bankai kicks more ass!

Yumichika: What a mega gaytard! If you want to do some gender-exchange then hurry up and go! You're a disgrace to the male race! You're not even beautiful looking, so stop criticising other people's looks! I personally think my kenseikans are very artistic and beautiful.

Kurotsuchi: F.R.E.A.K. End of comment. Who rapes his own daughter?

Nemu: I know it wasn't her fault and stuff… I bet she enjoys doing her own creator.

Ukitake: The only person I actually don't have something against, But why doesn't he cut his ugly hair? I bet he's sick because his long hair sucked up all the nutrition…

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_**A/N: FINALLY COMPLETED! HAPPY BIRTHDAY CAROLYN! **_

_**I seriously hate dishing dirt about Bleach characters.**_

_**Well, R&R please. But if you're gonna complain about OOC/retarded/plain weird then save your tongue/fingers, I DON'T CARE! *blocks ears* LALALA! I CAN'T HEAR YOU!**_


	2. Espada

**Kenseikan Thoughts by TsukiNoKagura**

**Espada Special Omake!**

_Disclaimer: I do not own Bleach; I however claim the plot of this chapter. It is the second part of what now is a two-shot story._

_Warnings: OOCness, randomness and plain not-funniness occasionally. I ran out of dirt TT_

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Today there was an arrancar attack in Rukongai, those stupid things needed to be taught a lesson. I have to personally go there to exterminate them, and then I have to release Senbonzakura's bankai just to kill the two. It annoyed me to hell because that useless brat Renji got defeated by the duo and came running towards me, so I had to abandon my beautiful artwork (Abarai called it horribly scary but he's just jealous) and go there myself.

Vizards, especially Kurosaki Ichigo, are also hated by me? Why? Those traitors actually have hollow abilities! No wonder they were exiled…

I wanted to say many things to those lowly beings but again I needed to be that 'Cool and Calm' captain.

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Stark: Lazy-ass who sleeps all the time; he has this goatee that looked seriously retarded as if he's trying to be Shunsui. He acts so cool but has no cool fighting pose, unlike me; I look so awesome holding a released Senbonzakura don't I? Kurosaki is wrong, I DON'T look like a karaoke singer!

Lilinette: not exactly an espada but she is basically one with her master so I had to include her. I still wonder why such a little kid wears such slutty outfit. And her being the other part of her own master makes her more mysterious… Does that make Stark a masturbator if he ever does you-know-what to her?

Barragan: Old fart who thinks he's king or something; he basically dies just to enter resurrection form, but he reminds me of the Grim Reaper, that death-god wannabe. We are the REAL shinigami dammit!

Halibel: SLUT, why are all arrancar females effing whores? Do they wanna get raped every single second of the minute, every minute of the hour, every hour of the day, every day of the week, every week of the month, every month of the year?

Neliel: I always thought she was a guy when she was in her child form. But she had the traits shared by all female arrancar- Sluttiness. Just look at her outfit after she transformed back, then straight away she sexually harasses Ichigo.

Ulquiorra: Emo, He makes a good person in one of those teenage bands. I can almost imagine him singing some emo song. I have also heard (from my special sources) that he had regular PMSs…

Nnoitra: Perverted man-spoon; I understand why people would want to cosplay as an anime character; but as a SPOON? Does he come with a complementary fork and knife Fraccion? I think so. His resurrection is some mantis thingy, I feel like stepping on him now…

Grimmjow: Man-whore. I think he can get anyone pregnant just by looking at them. And maybe give them STDs or STIs on the way. He also has retarded coloured hair, and is probably gay with Kurosaki, he fully stalks the dude. But Kurosaki's gay anyway, HE LOOKED UP MY HAKAMA REMEMBER?!

Luppi: His/her gender cannot be identified, therefore he/she shall be known as 'it'. It got promoted so it boasted its ass off, resulting in the death of itself. If it was a male then it must be gay, but if it was a female it must be lesbian. It is just too hard to tell whether it is a man or a woman, or in this case a male arrancar or a female arrancar.

Zommari: Ultra-flexy yoga man who thought he could beat someone so wonderful like me. But I killed his sorry-ass, ha! He wears a humongously puffy bubble-skirt post-release. Maybe he was a prima ballerina in his past life. That explains everything.

Szayel: Pink this, pink that, pink everything. He is the evil version of Barbie. He does play with dolls a lot though. He is definitely gay, that's for sure. He makes a good pair with Luppi, it's quite lucky to have another companion. He is also cannibalistic, although his Fraccion do look very edible… like those delicious cookies that can also be used to repel Yachiru…

Aaroniero: Complementary to Zommari. His Resurreccion is a big, purple ball gown. His real face is outrageous. He is so dumb despise having two brain-things. He is also ugly because he looked like Kaien Shiba, who once insulted my lovely designer hair.

Yammy: He should go into the rapping career. He reminds me of those American Rappers that failed to do poetry, therefore invented rap. He thinks he's so cool by erasing the '1' in the number '10' on his shoulder but the truth is that it is written with pencil just to make it easily rubbed out. In reality he is the cero Espada, meaning that he does not have a rank at all.

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_**A/N: Well my naggy friends suggested me doing another chap for Kenseikan thoughts so here you go. I'm not happy with this chapter; I honestly think it's not as good as the last! Beta anyone?**_

_**R&R Please… but if this is to complain about OOC/Randomness/Not funniness then STAY AWAY! If you flame then I shall dedicate an entire insulting chapter to you!**_


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